Let’s be honest,
we’ve all faked something in our lives. Whether it be faking the truth about who stole the cookie from the cookie jar; faking ill to not go to school/work/out; or even something as simple as faking it till we make it.
It’s just a thing we’ve all done and will continue to do.
But there’s a specific type of faking I want to discuss, and that’s faking friends.
It’s something I’ve been guilty of many times in the past and currently still am. And even today I still use the same excuse over and over again: “I can’t help it, I’m just too much of a nice person to tell them!”
There’s a lie in there, ten letters that make up one big fat lie. “Nice person”. It’s not true, it’s not a real excuse. If I really was a nice person I wouldn’t be in this situation. If I really was a nice person I wouldn’t be lying to something to their face. If I was a nice person I wouldn’t be leading people on, making them think they can trust me, that I am someone who has their back when really all I am is deceiving them to save myself from the guilt that eating me up from the inside.
Each night I tell myself that tomorrow is the day I break it to them. And each morning they come up to me so happy to see my face and I instantly put on the mask of the “best friend” as a reflex. Faking a smile and weakly laughing at the jokes that piss me off so much.
I hate myself for it. I know it’s wrong and the truth is always the best no matter how brutal. But I can’t help it, maybe it’s just the “nice person” in me trying to save everyone else from the heartache I caused.
And I am so sorry that the heartache won’t appear for a very long time.